It seems that my last essay on reconnecting with people from the past hit a nerve. It has been one of my most widely read essays in quite a while. It also led to a lot of outreach across platforms and some heartfelt discussion. Those discussions led directly to this topic, which is why you are getting another essay so soon. I promise not to pollute your Inbox too frequently! I’m usually not this motivated.

I toyed with several titles for this essay. It could have been “You Never Know What Impact You’ll Make” or “Think Before You Act,” but those titles didn’t capture what I was after. I wanted to discuss how little interactions can have a big impact and most of the time, you just don’t realize it. In fact, you may NEVER realize it unless the other person tells you. It’s a reminder to me to treat everyone with respect because you just never know. Well, and also because treating people with respect is the right thing to do. I pulled the title of this essay from a T-shirt I keep seeing on Facebook: “When you can be anything, be kind.”

To illustrate what I mean, I’m going to share a story from the 1990’s. I had gone home to Atlanta for a visit after a particularly brutal romantic break up. Mom and I decided to go out for a mother/daughter day, which was kind of rare for us. We saw a movie. Did a little shopping. Then we went out for lunch, during which we slowly and painfully deconstructed the relationship. After a while, when we were both talked out, Mom sighed and said, “Honey, maybe next time you’ll find a nice Jewish girl.” I had only come out to my family maybe six years before and there was still a lot of “learning to accept” going on. That was a different time, when people were routinely disowned by family for coming out and when people like me had a very hard time accepting who they were. (People certainly still struggle today and, unfortunately, get disowned but it’s much rarer.) With that comment, I knew that my Mom totally accepted me and loved me for exactly who I was/am. She didn’t say, “Maybe this gay thing is a phase.” As far as she was concerned, that particular discussion was over. She was focused on what might give a future relationship a better chance at success and, being a good Jewish Mom, felt that finding someone who shared my religious and cultural background would be a better bet. That one little statement meant more to me than she could ever know. And, yet, when I related that story to Mom a few years ago, she had no recollection of it. It was not necessarily memorable or impactful for her; it was life changing for me. And that is our thesis today: you just never know when you are going to have a big impact on someone.

Trish has a similar story. A few years ago, she reconnected with a high school friend. As they were talking, this friend told her how much she appreciated Trish standing up for her when someone lobbed an antisemitic remark her way. In fact, it was one of the first things she brought up when they started talking because it was so meaningful to her. “I will never forget how you stood up for me,” she said. Trish had no recollection of the event, but she was very glad she did it!

I’m much more conscious, now, of taking opportunities to tell people how much I appreciate something they said to me or did for me. Sometimes the “thing” is small; other times it’s pretty big. My long time readers will know that when I came back to the US after a 3 year expat assignment in Mexico, I came back into a very big job. I struggled in that role for a range of reasons but 9/11 and the subsequent recession’s impact on business conditions didn’t help. I spent a number of years resentful that I didn’t get more coaching or didn’t get some other opportunity that I’d wanted, but time gave me some valuable perspective. Sure, I needed more from my boss but, more than anything else, he took a chance on me; he gave me an opportunity that most others wouldn’t have given me. He believed in me. Before he left the area after retirement, I shared a beer with him and I thanked him for that because it set me on what ultimately was a good path. I learned to say Thank You without having to qualify it.

It’s not just people you know, either. Every day we cross paths with innumerable strangers. Trish and I both try to catch people’s eyes, make a little connection, say something nice. You never know when that little interaction can make all the difference in someone’s day. Engage in little discussions in the cat food aisle, sharing stories about how your cats never eat the same food twice. Make her laugh by saying, “Damn cats.” (That happened this morning.) Learn the name of the person who works the self-checkout most days you are there. Address her by name; engage in a little chitchat. It’s ok to compliment your server when you think he has a nice smile or tell someone you really like their sweater (just don’t be creepy). Everyone wants to be truly seen.

All of this is in keeping with my efforts to see every one as a human being and not dismiss whole groups of people with sweeping generalizations. At some point, I’ll get into my frustration with the demonization of DEI efforts as well as some of the overcompensations that led to the backlash. Sometimes we make things too difficult. Just treat everyone with respect. Take time to get to know who they are as an individual human. Don’t just assume a mindset or intent. And more than anything else, when you can be anything, be kind. And if you can, let someone know that their kindness to you mattered.