In 1972, Stanford psychology professor Walter Mischel undertook his famous marshmallow experiment.  Kids were given a marshmallow and told that if they waited 15 minutes, they would get a second marshmallow.  The researcher left the room and the subject was observed.  Would the kid delay gratification for greater reward or eat what was in front of them?  Follow up studies indicated that those who delayed gratification had better life outcomes than those who didn’t, which placed a judgment on waiting and willpower.  While those findings have fortunately been mostly debunked (correlation does not necessarily mean causation, remember?), I can certainly tell you one thing:  I would have eaten the marshmallow in front of me.

I got to thinking about this topic lying in bed this morning while I was deciding on breakfast.  I’m telling you, this is my favorite time of day: I wake up, decide what I’m going to eat, and then I get up and eat almost right away! (I have to feed Bridget first.)  I know this behavior is more than not wanting to delay the gratification of breakfast.  This whole “delayed gratification” issue is wrapped up with “anticipation” and the well-studied phenomenon of me needing to eat at regular intervals and ON TIME (breakfast no later than 7:00, lunch at noon, dinner at 6:00).  Today, however, we will focus on “delayed gratification” in honor of the upcoming holidays and the fact that I already titled this essay and I’m too lazy to change it.  Come to think of it, “laziness” is wrapped up in my behaviors as well.

“Delayed gratification” has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember.  Besides the anticipation and laziness aspects, I am also impatient and have had issues with impulse control, especially when it comes to food.  Thanks to Weight Watchers, that has gotten A LOT better, thank goodness!  I am really bad at denying myself what I want if it’s clear to me that I can have it.  In the past, this created real problems in my romantic life.  (Now that wild oats have long since been sown, this is no longer an issue.)  This problem expresses itself nowadays most often around gift giving, hence thinking about it now.

Trish knows this well.  As soon as I get a gift for someone, I want to give it to them RIGHT AWAY.  I’m excited about what I’ve gotten them and I can’t wait to see their reaction!  Here is a reenactment of a typical morning on a gift giving day:

Me:  Can we open gifts now?

Trish:  It’s 5:30 am.

Me (later):  We’ve eaten breakfast.  Can we open gifts NOW?

Trish:  No.  Let’s wait a little bit.

Me (one minute later):  Now?

Trish:  Ugh

It’s not so much that I want to open MY gifts.  I want her to open HERS.  And let me tell you, the weeks leading up to The Day aren’t much better.  Every time I come home with a gift for her (or, more likely, one gets delivered), I want to give it to her RIGHT THEN.  And I’ve really made it hard on myself this year.  I will say no more, but Trish will understand on December 25^th.  So, why does this happen and is it really a problem?  Let’s unpack that a bit, shall we?

As an amateur social scientist, I spend a lot of time observing and analyzing behaviors.  Since that behavior tends to bug the crap out of those around me when I point out my “observations” about them, I most often turn that spotlight back on myself.  I can’t really think of anything in my childhood that may have created this inability to wait. I do have the attention span of a gnat, so maybe that plays into things: I’m afraid I’ll forget if I don’t do something right away.  We’ve established my obsession around regular feedings, which is why I’m horrible at trying to fast on Yom Kippur (sorry, Gd; sorry Dad).  Maybe some of it is FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)—if I don’t do something right away, I fear the opportunity will pass forever.  All I know is that I want that marshmallow.

There is a danger with this tendency, of course, that life becomes all about the destination and not the journey.  And I will admit that for most of my life that held true.  I was always in a hurry to get to somewhere else, either physically or metaphorically.  The unspoken part of this angst was that how I was feeling at that time was not such a good place and that I would be happier or more content once I got to where I wanted to go.  I didn’t want to delay gratification because that meant it would be that much longer until I could feel happy.  Actually, that’s not right.  I don’t want anyone to have the impression that I was always sad, although I’m sure I had my moments.  I think I was laboring under the impression that I wasn’t happy ENOUGH.  If there was the possibility that I could feel happier, I didn’t want to wait.  (I can almost FEEL all the head nodding, especially from my college friends and people who walked with me during my younger adult years.  I think if you went to the word “angst” in the dictionary, my picture would have been there.)

That’s why I’m so grateful for where I am now.  Lots of things changed to calm me down.  Experience taught me that my instincts were pretty darn good and to trust them.  I took some really hard looks in the mirror.  I accepted who I really was and started the on-going work of making changes around the parts I didn’t like so much.  I purged some toxic people from my life.  I learned to speak my mind.  I found an incredible partner who validated what needed validating (both the good things and the things that needed to change).  And I actually started to enjoy the journey.  Wow, am I blessed!

So maybe this impatience, this aversion to “delayed gratification” is not such a bad thing.  I’m not hoping to be happier so much as excited about what comes next!  Let’s open some gifts!  And eat some marshmallows.