I have this mental struggle that I go through every weekday morning.  I am a “morning person” but that doesn’t mean I like to get up.  I know, however, that I do my best thinking, my best exercising, my best anything before lunch.  If there is something I want to get done, I need to get myself out of bed and get moving.  But I like being in bed, especially our new comfy bedroom.  So, I have a mental discussion with myself.  Since most days of the week Trish and I go to the Y, this mental discussion usually involves the workout of the day and how much effort I am going to put in.  And the gist of the discussion is that I look to give myself a little grace.  I say to myself, “Self, just go.  You don’t have to push yourself super hard today.  Keep the gear moderate in spin class.  Go for low weight and higher reps in the weight room.  You don’t have to push hard.  Just go.”  Giving myself a little grace lowers that bar of activation.  I get up; go to the Y; and, usually push myself to a decent level of effort.

Giving myself grace has gotten me through the most difficult days of my life.  Any time I’ve felt overwhelmed by what is in front of me, I have found that taking a breath and giving myself permission to just show up and do my best somehow takes the pressure off and gets me moving.  In most cases I ultimately do strive for a higher level of performance, be it in the gym or the meeting room, or the social engagement that I know is going to suck energy out of me.  Giving myself a little grace paradoxically allows me to push forward more easily.

Take writing, for instance.  Writing either flows out of me or it doesn’t.  And by “writing” I mean the act of sitting down at the keyboard and translating my thoughts into coherent prose.  There is no in between, nor is there any forcing it.  Since I do not make my living writing, I have the luxury of writing when it feels right vs. needing to push the craft every day.  However, I still have deadlines.  I wrote the first two paragraphs of this essay and then stopped.  It just wasn’t flowing.  I decided to give myself grace, knowing that I would continue to “write in my head” until it felt right to put words to page.  After playing some games on my iPad, taking a shower, and starting a load of laundry, the rest of the essay flowed out.  I write in my head all the time.  I am constantly observing life around me, thinking about how certain events or interactions can inspire an essay or article.  I’ve been kicking around ideas about “grace” for two weeks.  But it wasn’t until I hit a block this morning, and then more purposely noodled on the topic, that it all came together.  Experience tells me it will come.  I just needed to give myself the space; the time; the grace.

As important as it is to give grace to yourself, it is important to give grace to others.  No where else has that become as issue these days more so than while driving.  Bring up the topic to almost anyone and you’ll hear some version of this:  “People forgot how to drive during the pandemic.”  What most of us mean is that it seems like people are more in a hurry and drive more aggressively and more distracted than they ever have, which makes driving more stressful and dangerous.  (Note that the problem is always other drivers.  Surveys indicate that about 80% of us believe we are above average drivers.  George Carlin said it best: there are only two types of drivers out there—maniacs, those who drive faster and more aggressively than you, and idiots, those who drive slower and more cautiously than you.  You are the only perfect driver.)  Regardless, if you push the question, most people distill the problem to something like this:  “People have forgotten how to be civil to each other” or “People have forgotten how to act around other people.”

I agree with these thoughts and will take it one step further:  people have forgotten how to give each other grace.  That person tailgating me?  Maybe they just got a call from an elderly parent that they’ve fallen and need help, or they are late picking their kid up from an activity and are worried about them waiting alone.  That person staring too long at the green light before moving?  Maybe they are thinking about the bad news a friend just shared with them or they are really tired and zoned out because their newborn kept them up half the night.  The idiot swerving in and out of traffic who just cut you off?  Yes, maybe they are just a maniac or maybe they are trying to get to the hospital because their wife just went into labor.  It doesn’t even have to be anything dramatic.  We all have distractions that challenge our focus for a few seconds or we tend to drive a little too close to someone even if we are not trying to hint to them to speed up.  My point is to don’t automatically jump to the “they are an idiot/maniac who has insulted me and singled me out for aggressive/bad treatment”.  Yes, there are idiots and maniacs out there and there is not a whole lot you can do to affect their behavior.  But maybe they are not.  And giving everyone a little grace and being a little patient improves the chance that we’ll all get home safely.

Of course, lack of civility is a problem exemplified much too often these days.  Because of fear and/or misinformation or poor assumptions we tend to believe the worst in others first.  I think we all need to take a few deep breaths and give everyone a little grace.  Grace is all about forgiveness, compassion, and above all humility.  We can all use a little more of that.