Many years ago, I heard some relationship advice that stuck with me.  The advice was simple:  Always try to give more than 50% in any relationship.  I took that to mean that if both people tried to give more than 50%, there was a good chance you’d end up pretty even.  And if both people felt that the relationship was “even” then it had a better chance of succeeding.  I tried hard to put this into practice, particularly in romantic relationships.  I found it wholly unhelpful, though.  Be it a romantic relationship, a friendship, a work relationship, whatever, I found that if I consistently worked to give more than 50% then I started feeling resentful.  I was waiting for the kind of reciprocation I expected and I was often disappointed.

My “aha” moment came only over the last few years.  I finally realized the true meaning behind that advice:  Always try to give more than 50% in relationships because there are always things the other person does that you just don’t notice.  The goal, then, is not so much about doing more; it’s about noticing more.

Before Trish and I moved in together, I had been living alone for 10 years.  She had been living on her own for at least that long.  When you live on your own for an extended period, you quickly internalize that if anything is going to get done, you need to do it yourself.  Once we were in the same house permanently, I began to notice little things.  I’d go to empty the bathroom trash can and it would already be empty.  I’d go to scoop the cats’ litter boxes and they’d be clean.  I’d go to unstack the dishwasher and the dishes would have been put away.  Maybe not where I would put them, but put away nonetheless.  It started to become a bit of a competition in my head:  dang it!  She got to the trash before me AGAIN!  I started to get a little worried:  Does she feel that I’m not pulling my weight?  I don’t want Trish to get resentful toward me the way I’ve been resentful toward others in the past.

When I first moved in, I would walk by anything that Trish put on the stairway to upstairs.  She put it there, I figured, so she’d do something with it.  Finally, she calmly (but with an edge in her voice) said, “If something is on the steps, please take it upstairs.  If you don’t know where it’s supposed to go, put in on the couch in the office.”  So noted.  Similarly, we’ve established that I hate talking on the phone, particularly to people I don’t know.  So, when a call needs to be made, it’s usually Trish who makes it.  While this has been a consistent source of strain, she kind of accepts it.  She reads my body language and picks up the phone.  I will occasionally “make the call” during a time of duress, but I typically save it for when heroics are required.  And there are so many little things that one or the other of us just does, like the trash and the litter boxes and putting things back in the fridge or taking Costco purchases down to the basement. 

Like most couples, we’ve worked our way through a reasonable division of labor.  She gets enjoyment out of working the yard, so that’s HER thing.  I guess I should put “enjoyment” in quotes because there is often crankiness, exhaustion, and (this being Trish) a bit of blood, but anytime I suggest we hire a yard service I get a bit of side eye and, “I like doing it.”  Well, ok, then.  Similarly, I like doing the laundry.  More specifically, I prefer the way I do laundry to the way Trish does laundry.  Instead of trying to push “my” way on her, I just take responsibility for it.  Those things can be easily negotiated, yet once they are worked out, it’s still important to NOTICE when they get done.  There are a lot of “thank you”s flying around this house, not out of a sense of obligation or a recognition of extraordinary effort or even being overly polite.  It’s because we both notice when the other does something.  As I noted above, when you’ve had to do it all for so many years, you really notice even the little things.  The added benefit is that I’ve gotten incrementally better at resisting procrastination.  I don’t want to put off doing something that I see needs doing in case she beats me to the punch.

Gift giving is another area where you can tell how much attention someone pays to others.  Trish is a great gift giver.  I was stunned those first few years when I opened gifts that were just, well, perfect.  “How did you know?” I’d ask.  “I paid attention,” she replied.  Conversely, my gift giving tends to be like the little kid who gives Dad a baseball cap—in kid’s size.  In other words, I would tend to give people gifts that I liked myself.  I considered it sharing my joy.  It really was more assuming that if I liked something that the other person would (or should), too.  Not always on point.  I’m finally learning to pay attention better, to notice when someone expresses interest or joy in something and note THAT as a gift for them.  Although, honestly, how many pairs of socks or Penn State branded clothing does one person need?  (EDITOR’S NOTE:  Never question the merit in socks or PSU gear.)

My argument with all this relationship discussion is that I’m finally learning how to “notice”.  This is really important in a work setting, particularly if you are a manager of people.  I wish I had understood this sooner.  I know that there is so much I just didn’t notice every day, particularly when it came to job roles I was less familiar with.  Nothing is more demoralizing at work than feeling that your efforts are not seen or appreciated.  As I look back on how I’ve interacted with a range of people throughout my life, I cringe when I think how self-focused I was.  And still am, to a slightly lesser degree.  I am a work in progress.  As Brené Brown reminds me on my coffee mug every morning:  I’m here to get it right, not be right.  (One of the most on-point birthday gifts I’ve ever received, by the way!)

So, yes, the advice is to always try to give more than 50% to make up for all the little things another person does that you don’t notice, but the real goal is notice more.  I try to “notice” more with every contact I have.  It’s important in friendships.  It’s important in family relationships.  It’s important at work, for sure.  It’s important with random people you interact with throughout your day.  It makes people feel seen and valued.  It deepens connection.  And it will help others to “see” you better, too.