I must admit that coming up with words (or phrases) to match the “letter of the day” in our year-long Abecedarium has become a bit of a struggle. I knew it would. Heck, I even used Artificial Intelligence in the form of ChatGPT to help me write my “K” essay. I’ve kicked around a number of “O” words this week. Obsession. Opportunity. Options. Ownership. Obstacles. Even Onomatopoeia. I was chatting with Trish this afternoon and she uttered a phrase that pulled together my disparate thoughts: “Sometimes,” she said, “you can be your own worst enemy.” “Yes,” I responded, “but I own it.” That’s it! That what all my thoughts this week have been swirling around. The theme I have been noodling on is how every day, life presents us with opportunities; with options and their attendant consequences. We make choices, good and bad. But we must own those consequences. It’s what I mean when I say I’m a “no regrets” person: it doesn’t mean I don’t wish things could be different; it means that I accept the consequences of my choices and work to make the best possible outcome out of the situation.
Longtime readers know that a recurring theme in my writing is Personal Accountability. I talk about this not to lecture YOU but to continually remind MYSELF. I need to remember that life does not happen TO me, that I always have options to sort and choices to make and that, in the end, I have to own those outcomes. (“O” is for Own Your S**t, was the alternate title for this essay.) Case in point: my trip to Atlanta to see family where I am as I draft this essay.
I grew up in Atlanta and most of my immediate family is still there. I venture south every couple of months to visit my sister and my mom. It is no secret to anyone that I don’t like these trips. That does NOT mean that I don’t want to see my family! I very much love spending time with my sister and mom; I just do not enjoy the process of getting there and then getting home. I do have options, though. I could choose not to go, but the consequence would be not seeing Mom and Wendy. That is not acceptable to me. I could choose to go less frequently than the approximately every two months I travel there, but the consequence of not seeing them that regularly is also not acceptable to me. What I do choose is to spend a little more money on plane tickets that 1) allow me to reasonably avoid rush hours in both cities and 2) give me a bit more comfort in flight. I used to buy the cheapest ticket I could find that got me there and back at reasonable times but found myself mightily agitated at the fight for what little overhead space was available and sitting in seats so close to the row in front of me that my knees touch the seatback even without slouching. The cost of the upgrade is a consequence that I choose to accept. Another choice I make, that Wendy never can wrap her head around, is taking a 7:00 am flight back. I do this for a range of reasons. First, those first-of-the-morning flights are your best bet for being on time. Second, getting across town to the airport is easiest before dawn. Third, the Uber drivers at that time of day are serious about their job and get me there efficiently and usually quietly. And, finally, when it’s time to go home, I just want to get there. The consequence of getting up at 3:30 (and not sleeping well BECAUSE I have to get up at 3:30) is acceptable to me. For my night owl sister, it would be a fate worse than death. Options and consequences. Doesn’t mean I always like my choices, but I own them.
We have to sort options and make choices all day every day. Sometimes the consequences are small: Do I go to the Good Giant and know I’ll be able to get all I need, or go to the Bad Giant (which is closer) and risk them not having something critical? Do I have oatmeal for breakfast which I know is healthy, or a breakfast burrito which I know will taste yummy but sit in my stomach like a rock? Do I get up and feed Bridget now, or tolerate her chewing on my elbow, walking on my head, and generally being a nudge? (Actually, I usually give in on that last one.) Sometimes the consequences can be significant: Do I stay in this job or make a change? Do I marry this person? Do I run this red light? I know I can’t eliminate risk from my life. I have to know the potential consequences of my choices and then own the outcome.
There seems to be something of an epidemic these days of people wanting lots of options but not being willing to accept the consequences of whichever choice they make. That, as we’ve well established, drives me bonkers. It can also be dangerous. Young people make risky choices all the time, mostly because they are not aware of, or have not yet learned to think through, the consequences of their actions. They get a little bit of a bye from me on the “ownership” piece as they rack up experience (but I expect them to learn from it). I give no such grace to adults who should know better. When you have experienced enough to know the potential consequences of your choice, and you make that choice yet complain about the outcome, I have no patience for you. Own it and deal with it. Many times when someone says, “I had no choice,” what they are really saying is “I had no other option which involved consequences that I am willing to accept.” You always have choices, even if your only choice is to accept an outcome and deal with it. Even not making a decision is making a choice. Beware of people who always play the victim. These are usually people who just want to dodge accountability. (I certainly want to differentiate here when people are truly victimized, which unfortunately does happen.)
While I huff and puff about the behaviors of others, however, I reserve most of my irritation for myself. This is another of those life skills that I will never perfect and will always be trying to get better at doing. When I am in the shower at 4:00 am getting ready for my 5:00 am Uber, I remind myself: You chose that 7:00 am flight. When I choose to take back roads instead of the highway (or vice-versa) and end up stuck in traffic, I remind myself: you chose that route. When I was miserable in my last role at work, I kept reminding myself: you chose that job; now make the best of it. In almost every instance of something irritating or trying, once I take ownership of the choice I made that got me into that situation, I find that the emotion lifts a little bit. At first blush it may seem easier to play the victim. It may seem like it will make you feel better and take less energy, but it doesn’t. Accepting the consequences of your decisions and then asking, “What can I do about this?” gives you power.
“Options and ownership” has gotten me to the happiest stage of my life. It’s how I’ve gotten out of unhealthy situations and into healthier ones. It has given me peace of mind. And it ensures that I see my Mom and sister regularly.