First, I commend you for actually reading this essay.  I can hear the groans when you saw the title.  Conflict and conflict resolution are often among the least favorite topics of people everywhere.  Few people like conflict (save for those with a Character Disorder); fewer people still enjoy conflict resolution.  Yet the existence—nay, the preponderance—of unresolved conflict is, I’m convinced, at the root of a lot of emotional pain and suffering around us.  I would hazard to guess that unresolved conflict is at the root of a lot of physical pain, as well.  I mean this both of individuals who end up committing violence as well as those in leadership roles who start wars (that others fight and die in) because of their conflict with another leader.  (By the way, nothing I say below will apply to world leaders.  I have no clue what might resolve those conflicts.)

Before I begin my pontification, a little disclaimer.  There will be people reading this essay who have formally studied this topic and can speak with much more authority than I.  They, and you, may or may not agree with my views on this subject.  I am sharing with you my observations and strategies, which (sometimes) work for me.  Consider this food for thought in finding what works for you.

Conflict between humans is as old as, well, humans.  (I’m sure it also exists in the animal kingdom, but conflict resolution strategies of animals is outside the scope of this essay.  Well, mostly, since humans certainly can behave like small-prefrontal-cortex animals.)  Conflict also introduces itself to us at a very early age—“mine” is an existential statement of toddlers and usually kicks off conflict with anyone around.  For some reason, I have lately become very sensitive to conflict around me.  Maybe it’s because I am very lucky in that I don’t have a lot of conflict in my life these days.  I’m retired, so I don’t have conflict with work; I am in a wonderful relationship with someone who jumps on conflict as quickly as I do and communicates really well.  (I like to say that there are four of us in this relationship:  me, Trish and the “me and Trish” that are observing the “me and Trish” in the relationship and constantly talking about it.)  I also have weathered such intense conflict in my life that whatever comes my way these days feels tame by comparison.  So, I am very sensitive to the conflicts we, as a country, are embroiled in due to political differences (see previous discussions on yelling at the TV) as well as to conflict I see amongst family members and friends.  Hence the need to discuss.

Not all conflicts are alike.  There are conflicts with people in different types of relationships:  romantic, familial, friendship, workplace.  There are conflicts amongst equals and conflicts in which there is a significant power imbalance.  There are conflicts with those you know deeply and with acquaintances.  As such, there is no singular or perfect way to handle conflict.  But there is one thing all conflict has in common:  conflict that is not resolved never goes away.  It just gets buried, sometimes deeply and sometimes just under a thin veneer, and it will most likely rear its ugly head again.  Usually at a really inopportune time!  Until resolution, expect discomfort at some level with your conflictee.  The passing of time may lessen the awareness, but it is still there and it will color your relationship.  So, our first bold faced comment: Do not ignore conflict; ignoring it will not make it go away.

Are all conflicts worth wholehearted resolution? Frankly, no.  Since I will never be able to resolve the conflicts I have with a range of TV pundits, or with a stranger I overhear who makes a comment that really burns, sometime you have to just let it go.  “But, Sherri,” you remind me, “didn’t you just say that unresolved conflict never goes away?”  Why, yes, I did.  But if resolving those conflicts (which are really one sided disagreements, in all honesty) is not important to a relationship then the best response is indeed to let it go.  Simpler words were never written yet a more difficult act has rarely been undertaken.  I get so mad at myself when I lay awake at night, mulling over an interaction with someone I’ll never see again over something that I wanted to have handled differently, or thinking about things someone has said on TV or on some form of social tweety facegram.  Why do I let these people live rent free in my head?  This would be when we segue to a discussion of deep breathing and mindful meditation, but, again, subject for another time.  I want to discuss conflict that can and should be resolved.

Workplace resolution can be the trickiest.  “Conflict” when there is a real imbalance in power (boss/subordinate or similar) is not something I really consider true conflict.  That is a “suck it up and deal with it” situation for the person lower in power, even when a more powerful person is trying to admit to a wrong.  Power simply wins.  You have the freedom to leave the environment but the choices for many are really limited and really difficult, so most are stuck with bad feelings and ruminating over the situation at 3 am (see: “let it go”, above).  And this is why so many people can’t wait for their workday to end.  Owning what you really control in situations like this is hard, lonely and requires a lot of intestinal fortitude.  Complaining is easier.  I’ve done my share.  I’ve ultimately been happier when I’ve owned what I can truly control, but that didn’t happen until very late in my career when the consequences of owning it were more to my liking.  We’ve discussed choices and consequences before.

So let’s finally talk about conflict resolution amongst equals, with people you know well and care enough about to want to continue an on-going relationship.  Damn, it’s hard.  And it’s hard for two reasons:  if there is conflict there is hurt; and, to successfully resolve the conflict you will need to make yourself vulnerable to the person you exchanged hurt with.   I’ve read a lot of Brene Brown’s work and if you aren’t familiar with her, I highly encourage a look.  She writes a lot about vulnerability and how being vulnerable with others is one of the hardest things you will ever do, yet is so necessary to any type of healthy relationship (including with yourself).  So much anger out there is masking pain that people refuse to acknowledge out of fear of being vulnerable.  It takes courage.  And, by the way, you need a willing partner in the process.  It takes two to tango in many things in life; conflict resolution is one hell of a dance.  YOU may want to resolve a conflict.  You may even reach out and ask for a sit down to resolve the conflict.  But if the other person isn’t ready to open themselves to the discussion, it won’t work.  And, unfortunately, the hurt will just sit there.  Sigh.  We’ve all been there.

If both of you truly want to resolve the conflict, then you both need to be able to practice good listening skills.  Yes, listening is a SKILL.  And you need to talk face-to-face.  Do NOT try to do this remotely if at all possible.  Before you start the discussion, you need to remember this:  Your goal is not to defend yourself and remake your point.  Your goal (“you” plural) is to listen to where the other person is coming from.  Understand the situation that caused the conflict from the other person’s perspective.  None of us are mind readers.  You need to hear what is in each other’s heads.  Each person needs to put the emphasis on understanding the other—not on being understood themselves.  Don’t worry about making sure you are understood.  If you are doing this right, mutual understanding will be the outcome.  If you really do this (and I have found it much easier to facilitate these kinds of conversations than to engage in them myself), then a solution/resolution is often easy to find.  If not, you agree to disagree, but usually the pain and hurt are lessened because there is mutual respect.  Remember, you DO like/love this person!

Even just writing this essay has given me a stomach ache.  I see so much pain in the world!  It just doesn’t have to be this way!  We don’t have to be angry all the time or uncomfortable around each other.  Take a deep breath.  Ask for help if you need it.  But be brave enough and kind enough to crack open your defenses and get that conflict resolved.