Hold on tight, folks, because it appears we are about to embark upon another multi-essay arc of indeterminate length. The last arc, inspired by my recent weight loss journey and begun over the weekly chore of chopping carrots, was on the topic of creating sustainable personal change and growth. That topic began with a discussion on Authenticity. This arc is inspired by my apparent inability to get a good night’s sleep. These thoughts were begun in my journal, either late one night or early one morning or both, trying to understand why I can’t seem to fall asleep or stay asleep. As of now, I’m not sure what the overriding theme or goal will be of this essay series. I just know that there is something I need to figure out and I’m bringing you along for the ride.
Being the Scientist and Problem Solver that I am, I will apply the Scientific Method to figure all this out and start sleeping like a champ again! Let’s see. First step is to make sure I’ve identified the right problem: I can’t consistently fall asleep and stay asleep without the aid of chemistry. Is that the problem or a symptom? Let us now do a Root Cause Analysis to figure that out. (Isn’t being a Scientist FUN?!) WHY can’t I sleep well? It could be that I’m a Woman of a Certain Age—there could be physiological reasons. It could be that I’m retired and am not spending my days and nights totally stressed and frustrated with work which tended to make me fall into bed exhausted every night. It could be that our cat, Bridget, likes to jump on the bed as I’m trying to fall asleep, take a mouthful of blanket and then start walking awkwardly back and forth over me in what we’ve taken to calling The Dance of Her People. It could be that 2020 has just been a s@*t storm mash up of a global pandemic, civil unrest and an exasperating political climate that has me wound tighter than a two-dollar watch. I’m guessing there are contributions from all those factors. Now, how do I fix it?
I will start with an observation: I have zero patience these days. It is stunning to me how quickly I snap. I snap at Trish for interrupting me when I’m trying to concentrate on something important, like reading the daily Comics. I snap at cars on the road for doing the same sorts of things that they are probably yelling at me about. I snap at the TV for not having something on that I want to watch. And I snap at poor little Bridget who just wants some attention and really wasn’t biting me that hard. I just snap. I go from perfectly fine to a monster in an instant. I have a level of crankiness just below the surface that I feel constantly. And it keeps me from sleeping well.
I have also been thinking about Patience after last week’s webinar on “The 10 Things They Never Teach You in Leadership Training.” (Insert shameless plug to view this webinar for free here.) One of the learnings I shared is that, when you are a leader (be it in a business setting, community setting or even family setting) it is critical that you show a consistent countenance to the people in your organization/family. You may be going through a roller coaster of emotions daily, but you don’t want to take others along with you unless there is something they can do about it. If your business is tanking and you need extra effort or your family is going through a crisis that requires all hands on deck, by all means share the information and the emotion. But if what you really need is for people to focus on doing their jobs or your family to just live their lives because that is what they can control and they can’t really help with your issues then you must keep a steady presence. They look to you, as the leader, for cues on how they should be feeling. If you are calm and confident, they will be, too. You need to be able to think before you react or speak; listen and understand before you respond; take in the world around you calmly, if critically, and think things through before you next act. I don’t want those around me to be so affected by my ever-changing moods. It’s not healthy for those relationships or for me. But being able to do that takes, among other things, Patience.
Patience, I’ve determined, is a choice in behavior, not an immutable characteristic. And that kind of sucks. If something is a choice, then I must own the decision that I make and the outcome. It is much easier to play the victim, but we’ve discussed before what a bad idea that is. OK, fine. I own it. I know how important it is, for my own sanity and those around me, to take in information and process it clearly and calmly. I want to be more patient, but I seem to have limited capability to achieve that steadiness these days. And clearly it is related to my sleep issues because I lie in bed and ruminate over the day’s Crankiness Triggers until I either start listening to a podcast, get up and start reading, or take a sleep aid to knock me out. Anything to stop my brain.
We are now about 900 words into this essay and so far, I have done a lousy job trying to frame a discussion. I’ve done a lot of whining and made a sorry attempt to define a Problem to Solve but if you are still reading this essay, it is probably to see if I have any insight on how to improve my Patience Quotient. This is where I realize we have a lot more work to do and why this discussion is going to spill into a few more essays. I am well aware that things that keep my brain churning at midnight and later suddenly seem less patience-sapping in the morning, even if I didn’t get a full night’s sleep. And that means that my ability to be patient, to maintain perspective, is related to my reservoir of coping energy. Since exhibiting Patience is an active process, it takes energy. If my level of coping energy is low, my patience is strained. So, how do I effectively refill that reservoir when there is a big old drain from it all day long? That is what we will take up next time.
Hi Sherri…
Another interesting and personally relevant article. It appears I’m charting a similar course to yours, with the exception of the weight loss success, wherein the definition of “COVID-19” for me means “19 lbs gained (thus far) during COVID pandemic”.
As for the apparent inability to “tap the breaks” on irritability, the associated regulating area of the brain made need “a bottle in front of me”, which is preferred to the “frontal lobotomy”. 😉
Looking forward to your next article.
Karen
Ps. Your link to the webinar doesn’t include your talk? It includes several others but I couldn’t find yours.
Thanks for your comments, Karen. You always make me smile! And thanks for pointing out the problem link. I grabbed the link to their June Summit instead of the October one. It’s been corrected in the on-line version of the post and here’s the link as well: https://summit.labmanager.com/leadership-digital
Sherri,
I do think part of the impatience, is the time we are in. I am antsy these days waiting for the results of the election. I keep remembering to temper any positive news because I was sure Hillary would win and have been in a perpetual hangover since.
You forgot one other cause of impatience and that is genetics. As your cousin, I suffer from impatience, and I do wonder when at the store, way too early in the morning, why I am so impatient inline. I really don’t have anything urgent to do at 7 am in the morning.
When I can’t sleep, I tend to reach out to DaisyBelle (the dog for those that don’t know.) and make sure the bedroom is cold enough that she will sleep close and hear the rhythm of her snoring. Dog snoring works but now that Lucky (our cat) has decided her favorite place to sleep is my feet (on them!), it is not as easy as it was with DaisyBelle.
Last thought, we gave up alcohol since the beginning of COVID (except for one recent weekend in Austin) and my sleep has been more predictable since that choice.
Wishing you a good night’s sleep and some needed patience.
I don’t doubt the genetic component–I share the same issues with my Mom and at least one of my sisters. Hard to say what’s hard wiring and what’s due to being raised together, but I don’t think our family is unique. I certainly don’t want to discount all the many reasons that sleep can become a challenge. I’m merely using the issue as an entry into discussing some other topics. Thanks for your thoughts! Sherri
Hi Sherri,
You mentioned being a woman of a certain age. I am a woman of a certain age and noticed a definite change in my personality characteristics, specifically an onset of lack of patience and focusing more on the flaws in people than I used to. I knew that my internal reactions were inherently “wrong” or skewed. I spoke with my gynecologist and she she said that it was a real “thing” that happens to perimenopausal women. She tested my hormone levels “to be sure” and recommended an OTC progesterone topical cream available at organic food markets. I had to get the dose up high enough by following the doctor’s advice. It has worked like a charm. I’m now calm enough to where I can use those critical decision making skills so that when a negative thought comes into my head, I have a choice. Also, if I’m too short with people, I can nip it in the bud and go back in with more steadiness. That steadiness is indeed something I aspire to at work and as a mother.
Sleep hygiene is a whole science. As a scientist, I know that we should only try one thing at a time, yet when it comes to personal health, I tend to take a less methodical approach. Physiological factors that I’ve read about include blocking out all blue lights and light, keeping the thermostat down, no alcohol anytime near nighttime, getting adequate exercise early enough in the day, and following natural serotonin cycles (appropriate bed time so that waking occurs near dawn). Again, talking to a really good gyno about hormones wouldn’t hurt. If all else fails, exploring sleep apnea, especially if adequate sleep still leaves you tired all day and/or you have had an uptick in snoring and/or you’ve gained a lot of weight. Having the gears spin in the head is something I suffered from as a child and the solution was a kind of meditation I had to do to get through migraines. You know what they say in popular medicine- meditation cures all! It can’t hurt.
Best of Luck,
Hilary
Hilary, thanks so much for these thoughts. You’ve given me some food for thought and some actions to pursue. I know that there are many sides to this sleep issue and don’t want to seem like I’m minimizing the physiological aspect. I’m just using the issue as fodder for writing about related topics. Appreciate your insights! Sherri
Sherry,
There is something to the ‘woman of a certain age’ thing, but as a ‘man of a certain age’, just the age is a factor. I spent years in pursuit of a good night’s sleep, with diet and coffee changes, sleep apnea treatments, counseling, and some ill-fated drug trials as stations along the path. Only the counseling was useful ( I refused to do benzodiazepines after being informed they were too habit forming to come back from). In the end, Hilary has good advice: try changing a bunch of things, including no nail biter TV before bed, getting up when you are not sleeping and going into a dark room and reading or meditating with low, non-bluish lights. I can’t say I am cured – I still wake up most nights – but can get back to sleep after a while, not infrequently on the couch. (I have to admit to a shot of good Polish vodka – no hangover, and less addicting for most of us.) Part of the solution is just getting over the fear of not being able to get back to sleep.
It is known that endorphin swings decline with age, making it harder to sleep at night and stay awake during the day. My theory is that this was an evolutionary change to benefit the hunter-gatherer extended family. Someone had to stay up and act as night watchman and someone had to deal with restless young babies. Both the hunters and the nursing mothers needed their sleep, but the senior members of the clan did not. (The tendency for older people to put on weight is a way to help them get through the lean times when the hunters, the pregnant mothers, and the children had higher priority claims on the calories.)
Some really interesting thoughts, Bob! This whole line of thinking around evolutionary changes compared to the short period of time over which our human lives have changed so much is a really intriguing topic. Might have to plumb that one….
Incredible points. Outstanding arguments. Keep up the amazing spirit. Petrina Davis Gregorius