I am not talking literally, of course. Sometimes picking at a physical scab is necessary and it’s always gross, but I don’t need to write an essay about it. I’m talking about metaphorically picking at scabs—when you just can’t let something go. This is a huge issue for me (see: Righteous streak, mile long) and has put a strain on my marriage here and there, not to mention other relationships. You, too? Well, then! Join me in a little written therapy session as I try to gain some insight into this behavior.
Here’s a typical situation: You are having a conversation with someone that has become something of a debate. It could be a discussion of current events, or defending a project proposal, or answering questions at meeting, or even just discussing the reasons behind someone’s behavior. You walk away from that discussion feeling unsatisfied, that you just haven’t gotten your point across. Often, you’ll wake up at 3:00 am and say to yourself, “THAT is what I should have said!”
I, personally, don’t like to be misunderstood, so I get rankled when I don’t think I’ve been heard or when I can’t think of a response quickly enough to persuade my debate partner. I will noodle over the conversation for days, replaying the dynamics and imagining my more eloquent responses. Sometimes I will talk it over (and over and over) with someone, trying to get my words right. Most of the time, I just turn it over (and over and over) in my head. I spend a lot of time reworking conversations. It’s exhausting. But at some point, I am going to want to correct the record.
There are a number of reasons that I might pick at a scab with you. They are all interconnected but by far the primary reason is because you matter to me. I care what you think and how you feel about me because you are important to me. Take that as some measure of solace when I keep nagging you about something that you’ve either forgotten about or don’t want to talk about or consider so minor that you can’t believe I am STILL picking at it. If I feel that I have been misunderstood by someone who matters to me, I can be relentless and endlessly annoying in trying to make my points heard. If you are not important to me, then after maybe a brief period of feeling annoyed or wronged, I will (mostly) let it go.
This issue is trickier at work. You want to correct the record, but in the workplace, there is often a power imbalance that makes picking at scabs inappropriate or even detrimental to your future success. As referenced in earlier essays, I lost a big power struggle at work just before a new senior leader joined the company. I wanted him to know The Truth (or at least my truth) but he was totally uninterested in the past. I knew he was forming an opinion of me based on other discussions but my attempts to provide my perspective was just picking at a scab he was uninterested in discussing. Sometimes you just have to the swallow the injustice and hope that an ally will support you at the right time. This is why I am glad I am now retired.
I will admit that while I return to issues mostly because the other person involved is important to me, I also will continue to argue because I truly believe I am right. If you matter to me and yet you disagree with me, I will often do whatever I can to make sure that you see the light. It’s not about me being right. It’s about not wanting YOU to be wrong. This, of course, is a tricky rationalization that happens to be tightly wrapped up in the third reason I will pick at scabs with you: my long-standing fear of being blindsided, of being rejected, and my self-doubt. What if I’m actually wrong? After first resisting that possibility with all my might, I will listen carefully (and usually research on the web) to see if I really AM wrong. I like to think that after years of years of keeping those errors to myself, I will now readily admit when I remembered something wrong or just didn’t have the facts straight. Just because I believed something to be true doesn’t mean it really was true. I go back to my favorite Brené Brown mantra: I’m here to get it right, not be right.
I’ve been thinking about all this because we are in the Hebrew month of Elul, the run-up to the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement). It’s a time of significant introspection; a time to take stock. As such, I tend to think about people I have wronged over the past year, knowingly or unknowingly, as well as those with whom I’m laboring under some misunderstanding. It’s a time to make amends. But sometimes it’s just not that easy. Maybe I don’t even know that I should be apologizing. Maybe the recipient doesn’t want to hear it. Maybe they think they were wronged by me, but I was misunderstood. Maybe all of the above.
Where this takes us, then, is to some thoughts on being the recipient of scab picking. When someone is nitpicking with me, I try to remember all the dynamics running through my head when I’m the one nagging. First is to give that person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you HAVE misunderstood them. Maybe there are facts you’ve missed. Then, truly listen to what they have to say. From personal experience, I’ve learned it is really important to repeat back to them whatever they are saying to you. If you don’t recite their argument to show you’ve heard them, they will just keep on picking at you until you confirm they have been heard. If you still disagree, that’s the time to argue back. I am well aware that there are people out there who argue for the sake of arguing or who only want YOU to hear THEM and not vice-versa. That’s not who I’m talking about in this essay. I’m talking about regular human beings who just want to be heard and understood and hopefully validated. I promise you that if you can do that for others, they will do it for you. And then maybe we can all learn a little something, turn down the temperature on all the division, and stop waking up at 3:00 am with the perfect comeback!