I’m still on this theme of “relationships” that has run through the last several essays. And I’m still working my way toward discussing “community” which I continue to tease. But before I can get there, I must tackle the topic of “reconnections” since it has popped up a lot for us lately.

There is something about this stage in life: you’re retired; kids, if you have them, are generally out of the house and on their own; you have time to think and reminisce about people who were important parts of your life at some point in the past yet aren’t now. Often, there is a desire to reconnect, even if only to satisfy the curiosity of “what ever happened to them?” Trish and I both have been instigators and recipients of these reconnects lately. The question of what to do with these reconnections is an interesting one.

A few years ago, I took over responsibility for gathering updates on college classmates for the semi-annual Class Notes section of our college magazine. Invariably, after I’ve sent out my email blast for input, someone will reach out to me just to say Hi. Sometimes, there has been a brief email exchange. A couple of times, there has been a phone call. These have all been pleasant interactions yet none have led to a true rekindling of a college friendship 40+ years in the past.

The reason most likely comes down to the old adage that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or life. All of us can probably recall relationships of some sort that seemed to fizzle after their “purpose” was fulfilled. Sometimes it is someone coming into your life to get you out of a bad relationship. Sometimes it’s to facilitate moving into some new stage of your life. Regardless, there is a close connection for some period of time that then just…fades away. It’s only in retrospect that you figure out the “reason”.

Other times, the relationship is one of convenience or proximity. I don’t mean that to sound like the relationship was inauthentic. Most of these college friendships fall into this category (excepting my core group that is still close). We were thrown together to navigate a fairly intense situation and developed friendships that were deep and meaningful at the time. And then after graduation, we went our separate ways and, for the most part, lived our separate lives. “Work friends” can be the same way. You spend most of your quality awake hours together for years. It’s natural to share a lot of your lives with each other. But for the most part, when proximity disappears, so does the closeness. That does not invalidate the meaning of the relationship. It just means that the “season” has passed.

When I first started to get outreach for these reconnections, I stressed about them. Of course. “Where is this going to go?” I would think. “What would it mean to rekindle this relationship and how does this person fit into my life now?” When I went to my Overthinkers Anonymous weekly meeting to discuss this dilemma, my wise group facilitator told me to just relax. “They probably just want to say Hi and find out what you’ve been up to, Sherri. It doesn’t mean they want to be your bestie.” And they were right. Around 99% of these reconnections have been pleasing one-offs and I’ve moved on. (I really do wish Overthinkers Anonymous existed. Maybe I should start a local chapter.)

There is a desire, sometimes, to get some sort of closure with a reconnection. Maybe someone was a real dick to you in the past and you want to, first, find out why and, second, get them to apologize. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give in to this desire for closure. It just isn’t going to happen. Either the person didn’t know they were being a dick to you and will scratch their head wondering why you are bringing this up, or they DO know they were a dick to you and will be happy to know they’ve been living rent free in your head all these years. Let it go.

However, DO give in to the desire to tell someone how much you appreciated them. Both Trish and I have had experiences of people telling us that something we did ages ago really meant a lot to them. We never knew we had had that impact. That knowledge is both gratifying as well as reminder to be nice: you never know when something little you say or do is going to have an outsized impact on someone else. (This is another topic for another time.)

Very occasionally, a reconnection will lead to a true rekindling of a relationship. Beware, because those anecdotes are the exceptions that prove the rule. In general, people are in your past for a reason (particularly past romantic partners). Most of them should stay there, even if you do have a brief reconnection to satisfy curiosity. But leave yourself open to more. There is nothing wrong with being one of those exceptions. Just don’t force it. If all you end up doing is talking about the past, enjoy the moment and let the person go. Any rekindling of a friendship or relationship should be built on the foundation of your past time together, but needs to grow based on your lives today. You have both grown and changed. If that change has been in the same direction, then maybe you have something to build upon. Otherwise, reminisce with fondness and move on.

One final thought. I am super bad about initiating a reconnection. If I reach out to you, know that I am doing so in spite of my fear of rejection. And that means you really mean/meant something to me. It doesn’t mean I am looking to reform any past closeness. It just means I care and have thought about you recently.

So, enjoy these later-in-life reconnections. They can bring a lot of happiness into your life. Just don’t overthink it. You can discuss it at your next OA meeting.