I mentioned in my last essay that Trish’s sister and husband have been kind enough to turn their home over to us while they winter in Florida and our home is renovated.  We shared the house for the first month and because they have a cat also, we kept our two in their large, finished, very comfortable basement.  It was not a hardship.  They had plenty of room.  We had a cable box.  However, I felt compelled to get up at the crack of dawn (well, pre-dawn this time of year) and go down to feed them and hang with them since we sleep upstairs.  Once Megan and Tom headed off to sunnier climes with Junior, we let our cats out of the basement.  It took a little while for them to venture forth, but once they did, the boundary setting had to begin.

The reason for this is, as anyone who has cats knows, they are the world’s potential energy police.  Any item resting above floor level—say, a bottle of vitamins on a counter—has potential energy since being at floor level is a lower energy state.  One need only convert the potential energy to kinetic energy by, say, knocking the bottle off the counter.  Once the bottle reaches the floor, it is now in a lower energy state and the universe is happy.  Cats are known to patrol the world, particularly in the middle of night, making sure all potential energy is converted to kinetic energy, bringing the universe to that more stable lower energy state.  If the item is breakable, all the better!  Breaking a glass into a thousand pieces increases entropy, also a thermodynamically favorable process.  You’re welcome.

We spent the better part of the last couple of days re-training the cats about where they could go and where they couldn’t.  No to the counter.  No to the table.  No to the Christmas tree.  No to the mantle over the fireplace.  Setting these boundaries requires consistency and immediacy.  It’s exhausting.  In case you’re wondering, we are well aware that they will go where ever they really want when we are not around.  That’s why we go around removing breakable items from high places and packing away narrow cords that seem to just scream, “Chew me!”  And by “the cats” I really mean Bridget.  Beau is a curious but generally non-destructive Very Good Boy.  Bridget is like a two-year-old with a four-foot vertical jump.

I’ve been thinking a lot over these last couple of days about how important boundaries are between all living things, how important it is to set boundaries in almost any relationship, and how hard it is to define them and then be consistent enforcing them.  So, let’s discuss that a little.

For the purposes of this essay, I’m going to define “boundaries” as “expectations of acceptable behavior.”  The boundaries we are probably most familiar with are those a parent sets for a child.  I cannot speak from personal experience from the “parent” side, but I was indeed a kid, so I can speak from the “child” side.  My parents did not have difficulty setting boundaries for me.  I am a rule-follower to the core and that, coupled with my strong need for acceptance and approval, meant that if I so much as slightly disappointed my parents, I would dissolve into tears and self-flagellate for days.  While that made for an easier time of it for my parents, it also meant that when I went off to college the lack of imposed boundaries was a problem.  It is true that you don’t know your own limits until you push past them and my college friends will readily attest to my efforts to find my limits.  I was clearly not alone in this journey.  What saved me was holding over my parental boundaries until I learned to set my own.  While I still believe I could have gotten more out of my college education (scholastically), I still managed to never earn below a B+ (although during one particularly challenging semester I did choose to take a difficult elective as pass/fail and I do believe I dropped another early on).  These were all good lessons as I learned to set boundaries with others in my life.

It is easiest to understand boundaries when there is a power imbalance, like the parent/child relationship.  Another prime example is boss/employee.  Most people understand boundary setting between a boss and their employees.  The boss sets standard expectations of behavior:  “You will show up on time and do what we have agreed you will do.  If you do this, you will get paid and the company will invest at some level in your growth.”  Bosses sometimes set other boundaries, like “you won’t come whining to me about every problem you encounter” or “you won’t talk to my boss without talking to me first.”  Boundaries are important from employee to boss, as well.  Bosses will indeed keep piling on responsibilities and deliverables until employees push back.  With the perceived power imbalance, this push back can seem like a tall order.  Employees may fear they will lose their job or be “black marked” if they push back.  I’ve got a little secret for you:  bosses most often pile work on their most valuable employees because they can depend on them.  We are just as afraid you will leave as you are that you’ll be fired.  Push back!

Setting boundaries in personal relationships is toughest of all.  In the early aughts, when I came back from my assignment in Mexico to lead the organization of which I used to be a member, I found myself in the unenviable position of becoming the boss to most of my friends.  I had to very quickly establish boundaries on our friendships and it was not fun.  I could not let my friendships influence my business decisions and most of those friendships changed permanently because of this decision.  I could not be their confidante around workplace issues; I could not favor them in decisions around assignments or promotions; I could not be infinitely accessible to people with whom I had more of a history.  I was so sensitive to not letting my personal knowledge of some people influence my thinking that I probably ended up disadvantaging them on several occasions.

Boundary setting in my most critical relationship, fortunately, has been fairly smooth.  Maybe it’s because Trish and I met later in life, when we already had been able to succinctly define our boundaries to ourselves, so we could more easily express them to someone else.  I’ve learned what she needs from me in certain situations (she likes to be left alone when she’s sick; she needs space when she’s flustered or angry; she needs to talk out disagreements quickly).  And she has learned what I need from her (get me won ton soup when I don’t feel well; give me similar space when I am flustered or angry; process and process and process any disagreement).  I have also learned the most critical boundary:  never, EVER eat the last cookie.

A while ago, I wrote an essay on toxic people.  This sense of toxicity often comes from people not respecting your boundaries.  We all have those acquaintances who want to be closer to you (or more important to you) than you feel.  It is really uncomfortable to enforce those boundaries and I admit to having been meaner than I would have liked in some situations.  Even those within your inner circle have to respect boundaries—there is a line between going along with something that wouldn’t be your choice because your friends want to do it and being miserable because you crossed an important boundary.  I often lose sight of that line, although many might say that I am just passive aggressive and need to suck it up better.  Working on that.

As with Bridget and jumping up on counters, consistency in enforcing boundaries is always key.  This is often the rub with most of us.  Sometimes you are just weary and give in.  Sometimes you are feeling more magnanimous or compassionate and don’t hold an important line.  Do the best you can.  Just as important as it is for you to set and enforce your boundaries with others, be aware of boundaries that others are setting with you.  You may rarely get the direct feedback you need but the hints and body language are always there.  Have that explicit discussion if you can.  Boundaries can become more flexible if there is a spoken understanding.  But never eat the last cookie.