This feels like a time of new beginnings.  We are emerging from the pandemic and facing what used to be very common activities as if they were brand new experiences—going to out to dinner with friends, family gatherings, grocery shopping without wearing a mask.  It’s like emerging from a dark cave.  At the same time, a number of “young” people in my life (they are in their 20’s and 30’s) are at really big “adulting” inflection points—getting married, buying first homes, starting new careers.  It has gotten me thinking about my own new beginnings all those decades ago and how much I just didn’t know about what was ahead of me and challenges I would face.  So, this week’s essay is a nostalgic note to my younger self.  And twenty years from now I hope I will look back on this essay with a bit of nostalgia, reflecting on how much I didn’t know when writing this very piece.

Dear 26-year-old-Sherri,

You have accomplished so much already in your young life!  Take a moment to be proud of yourself.  You navigated some tough emotional times growing up.  You got a college degree and then a PhD in Chemistry.  You landed a good job in R&D with a good company and you are about to start your “real” life.  As your retired 58-year-old self, I am proud of you.  I’m also excited and a little scared for you.  You see, I know what’s coming.  You are going to face challenges you never dreamed of and opportunities you never thought would be open to you.  You are going to face incredible highs and successes and debilitating lows and failures.  You will have time periods of extreme confidence and valleys of extreme self-doubt.  As you face this new beginning, I want to offer you a few gentle thoughts to consider.

Be humble.  You are on a real high right now and you should be!  You feel like you’ve got the world by the tail!  Outwardly, you appear supremely confident.  Inwardly, you are scared to death.  There is so much you don’t even know that you don’t know, but you sense it’s there.  Everyone around you seems to have it all together.  The truth is that they don’t.  And they think that YOU do!  There is a happy medium between arrogance and self-doubt and that’s humility.  Remember that you’ve already shown you can do great things.  Remember, also, that there is and always will be so much more for you to learn.  Start with that humility and always search for growth.  Everyone can teach you something.  Look for that within everyone you meet.

Find and be true to your authentic self.  Unfortunately, it’s going to take you until your 50’s to really embrace this truth.  I wish you would have understood the importance of this earlier, but better late than never!  You have some serious headwinds ahead, to be sure.  Accepting yourself as a gay woman will not be as easy in the 1980’s and 90’s as it will be in 2021.  Remember the first time you walked into a gay bar and you were so afraid that you almost fainted?  The first time you go to a Pride Fest will be even worse.  You will be scared of being attacked and beaten.  The first time you come out to someone at work, you will be afraid of being fired.  But you will keep moving forward because you have to.  Something deep inside you will push you toward authenticity because you know it’s critical for your mental health, happiness, and even professional effectiveness.

That part of your authenticity journey will absorb you for a good 20 years.  An equally critical part of your authenticity journey is finding your true self as a friend, partner, and leader.  I will tell you now that your instincts are right on target.  It’s going to be hard for you to be true to those instincts because the behaviors of those around you will make you feel like you are wrong.  You will second and third and fourth guess yourself all the time and for many years.  Little by little, time and experience will show when your instincts were right.  It’s a good thing one of your instincts is to find a wide array of mentors and role models.  That certainly helps.  Along with authenticity, you will need to embrace vulnerability—admitting when you don’t know something and owning your mistakes.  Both are really hard but absolutely required for growth.  Vulnerability takes courage and people will ultimately admire you for it.  What really matters, though, is finding the courage to embrace who you really are, flaws and all, and to give yourself the grace to be who you are.  That’s when you will become a truly happy person who lives in the present instead of always waiting for something good to happen.  That is also when you will meet Trish, because until then you won’t be ready for her.

It won’t all be good.  Intellectually, you already know this is true because it hasn’t been all good up to this point.  There is a part of you, though, that thinks you’ve paid enough dues.  You haven’t.  What you will ultimately realize is that the tough times are when you will grow the most.  None of us, though, eagerly seeks out pain.  You will beat yourself up for bad decisions.  You will flush with shame when you have to confront your failures.  You will doubt that you will ever achieve ultimate success and happiness.  You will want to get out of what seems like a bad situation as quickly as possible.  And, for the most part, you will not be aware that everyone around you faces the same struggles.  It will feel lonely.  And all of that is ok as long as you keep moving forward.  Some days it will be the tiniest of steps; other days it will be big leaps.  But you will, you MUST, continue to move forward.

Choose love.  This is a message that you will learn from Dad, but actually not realize until long after he has passed.  “Life is a series of choices.  Choose love.”  I cannot tell you how important that is!  Choosing love means dealing with people and the world and especially yourself with compassion and empathy.  Will people sometimes take advantage of you or treat you poorly?  Absolutely.  You can and should advocate for yourself and seek justice.  You also can and should believe in the goodness of people and choose to act and react in a way that reflects your true self.  There will be a time when you are in the Philly airport, coming home from a long business trip.  You are heading to the parking lot to get your car when a woman comes up to you, panicked, saying she lost her wallet and needs money for the train into the city.  Give her the money.  Could she be trying to rip you off?  Yes.  Could she be telling the truth?  Yes.  Give her the money.  If you were in the airport and had lost your wallet (and this will be before cell phones), you would hope for the kindness of a stranger.  Try not to judge others, although it is sorely tempting and you will definitely do it more than you wish you did.  You rarely know someone’s whole story.  And remember—just underneath the skin of most assholes is a hurt child who just wants a hug.  That realization can help you let go a little of the resentment and frustration those people can engender.

I could go on.  I know what the next 30+ years has in store for you and am tempted to give you some hints to see if some things could be different.  I won’t, though, because I know where you end up (at least at 58) and it’s pretty good.  I’m so excited for you!  You have such an amazing adventure ahead of you!  Try to savor at least a bit of it in the moment before plowing quickly into the next moment.  Be humble.  Be kind.  Be happy.

Love,

58-year-old-Sherri