I distinctly remember the day that I discovered the existence of the Bassner Third Tear Duct (members of our family seem to have an extra tear duct and cry at the drop of a hat). It was the day of my sister’s wedding. The three of us (me who was a bridesmaid, my next older sister who was the bride, and my oldest sister who was Maid of Honor) were standing in the hallway outside of the Rabbi’s office. The Ketuba had been signed and so it was time for the ceremony. Wendy was fixing Beth’s dress; I was poking at Beth trying to make her laugh. Our Dad rounded the corner to tell us it was time to gather, saw the three of us, burst into tears, and ran the other way. He cried the whole way down the aisle; he cried through the whole ceremony; he cried walking back up the aisle until someone put a scotch into his hand just outside the sanctuary door. It was the first time I’d seen my Dad cry. And it seemed like that opened the flood gates. He never stopped! Every emotional event, every sentimental second, started the watery eyes. It was a beautiful thing!
I, of course, am my father’s daughter. I am very emotional and sentimental. I cry at AT&T commercials. I cry at predictable sappy endings to movies and TV shows. I cry at the end-of-the-news-happy-story segments. I’ve realized, though, that it’s more than sentiment. I also cry when I am angry or frustrated or tired or “hangry” or if I don’t feel well. Crying is the way I express almost ANY intense emotion. It’s a good thing but it can also be a problem. So, this essay is a Public Service Announcement for all those who share the extra tear duct: It’s OK to Cry.
Just as I remembered the moment I learned the existence of the familial extra tear duct, I also remember the exact moment my career advancement ended at my first employer. Return with me to the stressful days of the fall of 2001. All you have to say is “9/11” and everyone knows exactly what day you are referencing. I was less than a year back on US soil after my expat assignment in Mexico, marinating in a role that was very exciting yet was a bit much for me to bite into at that early stage. The economy had fallen off a cliff after 9/11 and I was in a meeting discussing who I was going to fire from my organization. I had only had to fire a couple of random people in my career to this point but this was going to be a big one. And everyone I was firing were friends of mine! The stress level was enormous. I had never been through an economic downturn as a senior leader and was privy to information I had never had access to before. It was mind-blowing! The casualness that my fellow managers were taking toward upending the lives of dozens of people was distressing. And I won’t even get into some of the personal issues I was juggling. Halfway through the meeting, I burst into tears. The stress got to be too much and that’s how my body released the tension. I remember a co-worker exclaiming, with pity in her voice, “Oh, Sherri!” That was it. I KNEW in that moment that I would not advance further in my career in that company.
Crying, particularly in a business setting, is the ultimate sign of weakness. Or, it’s interpreted that way. For me, though, it is simply how I blow steam. Once I let some tears out, I get ahold of myself and think clearly and effectively again. Even in that fateful meeting, once I hit that pressure relief valve, I was able to focus and get the job done. But that’s not how others see it. I often wonder what would have happened if, instead of releasing stress by crying, I had gotten angry and started pounding the table. Would I have been seen as someone fighting for my organization? As a “truth teller”? Or what if I had just gone silent? Bottled up all that stress and went home and punched a wall? For better or worse, people who get angry (often men) are seen as strong; as fighters. And people who cry (often women) are seen as weak. It pisses me off! And THAT can make me cry! Dammit!
What can piss me off even more is that when men cry publicly, it is often seen as expression of strength! As in, “he’s so strong he can allow himself to cry in public!” Give me a break! If I could control when I cry, I’d do it. But I can’t. It’s simply my body’s way of saying, “You want to burst an artery or do you want to relieve this stress by crying? (Pause) I thought so.”
Crying can even be helpful in getting what you want. If I say I don’t feel well and that is accompanied by tears, Trish knows immediately it’s time to go get Won Ton soup. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten onto a flight that should have been closed or into a hotel room that should have gone to someone else. I don’t do this on purpose. The tears are sincere. Everyone can tell a fake cry. They just happen to be extremely effective, at least with anyone who has a heart.
I get it, though. We have been socialized for ages to see crying as a sign of weakness. I admit that I find myself judging those who publicly display that extra tear duct as well. I catch myself in that judgement and walk it back, but it’s an instinctive response. I’m lucky. At this point in my life, I can pretty much cry whenever the mood strikes. I don’t fight it because I don’t fear judgement anymore nor does someone else’s judgement affect me much. OK, so I get a little annoyed when I’m crying at a TV commercial and Trish catches me (“are you crying at that puppy?!”), but she’s allowed. I’m proud to share my father’s softer side. And if someone else starts to cry, I will cry with them. In fact, there are two things I can never let someone do alone: cry and throw up. So, it’s never a good idea to get sick in my presence. Anyway, if showing my emotion helps someone else to embrace theirs, and not bottle it up and express that intensity in less productive ways, then I feel I’ve done a public service.
So, go ahead, criers! Cry at weddings and funerals! And birthday parties! And movies and TV shows and stories about pets that were just adopted. And when you are angry, or frustrated, or happy, or any intense emotion, just let it out! Because you know that irrespective of the judgement of others, that’s how you manage strong emotion most effectively.
I did just fine in my career even after that crying stint. Later in my career, I dealt with extreme frustration through yelling at my boss and it got me fired. Probably should have cried.
