Last time, we began a new multi-essay series on…. well, I’m not sure what the over-arcing topic of this series is, yet.  We are still trying to figure that out.  I began by talking about the problem of my on-going sleep issues which led to a discussion about my lack of patience.  Clearly, I hit a nerve with that discussion, considering all the feedback I got on sleep or the lack thereof!  I appreciate all the suggestions and insights.  While the use of my sleep issues was mostly a rhetorical device to lead into these essays, the problem is real and I’m open to all ideas.  Trish is no help.  She can drink five double expressos while playing games on her iPad right up until the time she turns out her light and still be asleep in 30 seconds.  It is the Skill of Her People.

As I ruminate on my Patience Triggers in the wee hours of the morning, it is clear to me that I have dangerously low reserves of Coping Energy these days and that contributes to my angst.  I am also certain that I am not alone in having this problem.  The ongoing stressors of the pandemic, civil unrest and the divisive election has drained our reserves of coping energy from the moment we awake.  There is not much left over to deal with daily stressors like work, family and people who don’t use their turn signals.

What is Coping Energy?  Coping Energy is that part of your energy reserves that allows you to maintain perspective during times of stress.  You have a finite level of this energy at any given time and during moments of high stress and anxiety (cough, 2020, cough) you burn through that reserve quickly and are left with a hair trigger of impatience with everyone and everything.  So, if I am ever going to be able to sleep soundly again, I need to understand what is draining my Coping Energy reserves and how to refill them.

Now, as with many of the topics I cover in a 1200-1500 word essay, I am well aware that entire careers (or at least PhD theses) have been built around understanding Coping Energy.  I am going to share with you, here, only my own observations, success and failures which I hope give you some insight into tackling the challenge of maintaining your own coping energy reserves.  My first observation is that, annoyingly, we usually build coping energy reserves not by any conscious act to improve them but by simply going through stressful times.  Much as stretching a tight muscle allows you to move that muscle more easily, when you come out the other end of a stressful situation, surviving the experience alone has taught you how to better cope.  “That which does not kill you makes you stronger,” indeed.  It makes you stronger by stretching your coping energy reserves.

Looking back over my own experiences, the time period from 1997-2006 probably drove the biggest increase in my coping energy reserves.  Over that decade, I first moved as a single woman to Mexico to take on an International assignment.  I had no clue the difficulties I would have to navigate, from the basics of learning to live in another country (oh, and speak a different language) to the feeling of being professionally isolated and having to figure out many work issues mostly on my own.  Then I repatriated to a job that was, admittedly, too big for me at the time, with all my friends suddenly working for me.  And then 9/11 happened and the bottom fell out of the business.  Over that decade, it was one body blow after another, day after day after day.  I was learning to be a manager and leader with precious little coaching in a world that was incredibly uncertain.  The only way to survive was to create coping energy reserves out of nothing.  By the time that decade was over, not much could rattle me.  I could almost always say to myself, “You’ve been through worse.”

Another critical piece related to this topic, as noted above, is Perspective.  I’ve been meaning to write more on this subject, and will, but let me leave a few thoughts here more directly connected to this issue of Coping Energy.  I know better than to dismiss someone’s pain just because I may think it is trivial in the grand scheme of things.  Your pain is your pain and is related to the perspective that you’ve gained from your own experiences.  When you are six and you’ve lost your favorite stuffed toy, that is a horrible pain.  When you are a teenager and you’ve experienced your first real breakup, that is a horrible pain (Donny Osmond and “Puppy Love” be damned).  When you look back on your young self, you realize now that you had a whole lot worse pain coming.  But at that time, with the perspective on life you had then, that stuff HURT.  This difference between your young self and your older self is the creation of reserves of coping energy hard won from difficult experiences.

An interesting side commentary, here, is the role that your own coping energy reserves play in developing a sense of empathy for others.  When you have navigated tough times, two things happen.  First, you can easily catch yourself having limited sympathy for those who totally stress over things that you feel should be easily handled (see above).  Second, you develop enormous respect for those who have navigated situations even more difficult that your own.  As a manager of large groups of people, I first felt that my job was to take away stressors from those who worked for me, clearing the way for them to be more productive.  After a while, I realized I was not doing them any favors.  I could look around the department and see people in similar roles or situations who handled the stress of their daily lives very differently.  I began to focus more on helping those who handled the stress less effectively build their coping energy reserves.  I was not always successful.  First, those people had to embrace that they did not cope well and accept the need to take steps to improve those skills.  Taking personal accountability is a courageous move and many prefer to wallow in victimhood.  (This is such a hot button for me, as you know by now, that I am not even going to link back that essay again!  You can find it yourself if you are interested.)

So, Master, you must now follow your own lessons.  How did you coach people before in how to increase their coping energy reserves?  Those lessons always started with a discussion around “what do you really control?”  And that is where I must start right now.  I’m beginning to see where this essay series is headed.  It’s around personal empowerment and the limitations on that, isn’t it?  OK, we’ll pick up next time discussing this question of “what do you control” and the ever-important follow up question of “how do I accept and/or change that?”