Welcome back, Patient Reader.  I am still not consistently sleeping well, which we started talking about several essays ago, but I’m making progress understanding why and taking Corrective Action.  We began by talking about Patience in these stressful times, followed by an initial discussion about how low Coping Energy reserves sap your patience, leaving you anxious, cranky and not sleeping well.  After a side trip last time to have a needed discussion on Perspective, we are back to finish up on the topic of Coping Energy.

For me to sleep soundly, I need to consistently rebuild my Coping Energy reserves after their daily (hourly, sometimes) depletion.  To do that, I need to be able to take a deep breath and focus on what I control (hence the need for Perspective).  This skill, because it IS a skill, is something I’ve developed over years of being in unpredictable, ever-changing, anxiety-producing situations that I’ve somehow managed to navigate “successfully”.  Successfully, in this context, means simply surviving somewhat intact.  I’m much calmer than I used to be.  Not so much because I’ve matured or gotten wiser but more because I’ve been through enough now to know that things usually work out—not necessarily how I would have wanted them to work out, but work out such that I can pick myself up and move on.  It’s time to do that again.

Earlier, I mentioned that in my professional managerial life I had to learn to treat coping energy issues in a different way than my instincts first led me.  I believed, initially, that my job as a manager and leader of a group of people was to remove as many stressors as I could from individuals and their environment to free them up to be their best selves.  That involved moving people around in job responsibilities or physical location, making capital purchases, planning Fun Activities and a whole lot of listening to people vent and complain.  It didn’t take too long for me to realize that those initiatives had limited utility or staying power.  I also noticed that different people reacted to similar stressors in different ways.  It finally dawned on me that the issue was more around the coping skills of different people rather than, necessarily, something about the environment that I could change.

I began spending time with people individually to talk about their coping skills.  Some of those conversations went better than others.  First, I had to get that person to accept that their discontent was at least partially connected to their low coping energy reserves as opposed to something that I had to fix in others or the environment.  I often never got past that point.  If I actually could convince someone that there were things they could do to improve how they dealt with their stressors, the next step was to discuss what they controlled and what they didn’t.  If, say, someone was stressed because workload was very high and/or they had customers calling and bugging them constantly about a project, we could work on project and time management skills, including strategies for how and when to talk with customers.  If they were willing to take responsibility for what they could control, I could supplement that with shifting around some work or dealing with some high maintenance customers myself.  What I often found, though, is that once they started taking control of what they COULD control then the rest started to fall into place without me having to take much action at all.  The top of the mountain looks really high when you just stand at the bottom looking up.  However, once you start putting one foot in front of the other, the top starts to get closer and closer.  The progress, however slight, keeps you moving.

Applying those lessons to my world today, what do I control?  Well, I can’t control the spread of the virus in total, but I can at least not contribute to the problem.  I can assume that I am an asymptomatic spreader and not go around without a mask.  I can assume that everyone I see is also an asymptomatic spreader and keep my distance—especially if they are not wearing a mask.  I’m not talking about sliding into paranoia and being scared of everyone I see.  I’m talking about being pragmatic and recognizing what I control.  When I see others circulating more and enjoying more “normal” activities that I choose not to take part in, I remind myself that I am making an active choice.  I can’t control their choices.  Maybe I am a little jealous because I’m tired of staying home and isolated, but I have made an active choice.  Owning that gives me power.

I can’t keep every business afloat or feed every hungry person, but I can do something.  I can give to food pantries.  I can get takeout from restaurants.  I can leave a basket of snacks out for the delivery people that make near daily stops at our door.  One thing I really enjoy?  Buying from small businesses highlighted on local and national news.  I swear by Carpe antiperspirant and my Our Place skillet.  Yes, I know there is more I could do, but when I get anxious I remember what I HAVE done.  That also gives me power.

I can’t control the politics but I can vote.  I can’t make the nightly, daily, minute-ly news better, but I can limit how much I watch and can take actions like those noted above.  I can’t make the Eagles win a dang football game but I can….well, I guess I can’t do anything about that. 

I can’t solve everyone’s isolation and loneliness, but I can connect with people I know.  That helps my need for connection as well as theirs.  I talk with my Mom every night.  Neither of us has much to share between the frequency of our connection and our locked-in lives, but hearing your Mom’s voice every day does wonders for your blood pressure.  I Zoom with my family every weekend and my college friends every couple of weeks.  These are rarely deep, life-changing discussions.  But they sure are life affirming.

And I cook.  I take my time.  I chop everything up and put the ingredients in little bowls like I’m on a cooking show.  I’m on my feet instead of on the couch and my full attention is on how soft the onions are getting.  At the end, I have a (hopefully) delicious meal.  And I made it.  That gives me power, too.

My coping mechanisms aren’t perfect.  I have my days when I either don’t feel like I CAN control anything or just don’t WANT to.  That’s when I curl up in a ball and have Trish make me tea.  Soon enough, I take one little step.  I don’t allow myself to get stuck.  I take control of something and feel a little better.  Then I take another action.  And another.  And then the top of the mountain doesn’t seem quite so far off.  I’m still trying to translate that into consistently better sleep.  I’m not there yet, but I’m making progress.

So, own your need to rebuild your coping energy reserves and that YOU are the one responsible for doing so.  Take a deep breath.  Find perspective.  Remember that you have the privilege of being able to turn it all off for a bit when so many others don’t.  Focus on those little things that you can control; those little actions that you can take.  Know that you won’t be perfectly strong all the time.  But you can be strong enough to get through today and try again tomorrow.