When we last left our Abecedarium, we were on the letter “I”. At the end of that essay on “Intention”, I committed myself to the word Judgmental for this entry. That was very purposeful. I have, no kidding, been working on an essay around “Judgment” for more than a year. I wrote an essay. Trish panned it, saying it made me come off as a judgmental jerk. I edited it. She said, “Yeah, better, but I still wouldn’t publish it.” We went away to tour the Utah National Parks, where I hoped for inspiration. I talked about it with our travel friends. Got lots of inspiration, but not an essay. I went to my college reunion and discussed it with my college friends. Excellent thoughts and suggestions (some of which are included here) but still no publishable essay. The fact that you are reading this means I finally got there. Or that Trish just gave up trying to edit me to success. I’ll let you be the, um, judge.
Let’s begin with the first half of the essay, which came out easily and has passed editing rigor before:
“People who have known me for a long time probably read the title of this essay, snorted a little, and thought, “Well, that’s rich. Sherri telling US to not judge.” Let me say right up front that I know I have a righteous streak a mile long and can be super judgmental. I’m not writing this essay to preach to you or present a “Do as I say, not as I do” checklist on how to not be a judgmental person. I’m WRITING this essay to better understand why I tend to be so judgmental and to learn how to check myself a bit better going forward. Now that I am retired, I can really take the time to think through things and learn from my life experiences. I’m PUBLISHING this essay because it is my sincere hope that some of the lessons I’ve learned can help others who have more time to benefit from them than I do.
“Where to begin? Let’s start by giving ourselves a little bit of grace. Everyone judges, and by ‘judges’ I mean that everyone has inappropriate thoughts and makes inappropriate comments about a wide range of people who are somehow different from them. We all do it. All the time. We tend to do it within the safety of our own minds, or with a group of like-minded people who know our true hearts. Making judgmental and snarky comments is a good part of the basis of comedy. Let’s admit it: we crack ourselves up all the time making fun of people and making fun of ourselves. Self-deprecating humor is indeed judgmental. I am so glad that I grew up in a time before social media and cell phone cameras. If even a fraction of the things I’ve said and done over my semi-adult and adult years had been captured for posterity, I would be in deep trouble. Not that I’m planning on running for public office, but I wouldn’t want others to judge my true self based on some of that behavior! So, let’s begin with the premise that we all judge, all the time.
“When I asked Professor Google to define “judgmental” for me, she returned this: ‘having or displaying an excessively critical point of view’. Clicking on ‘what it means to be judgmental’ returned this: ‘Judgmental is a negative word to describe someone who often rushes to judgment without reason. The adjective ‘judgmental’ describes someone who forms lots of opinions — usually harsh or critical ones — about lots of people. Judgmental types are not open-minded or easygoing.’ Ouch! Why, then, do we do this so frequently and instinctively?”
That’s as far as I got a year or so ago. In those previous drafts, I ventured into a discussion on why we judge others and why this is a bad thing. Then I presented some thoughts on how to stop being judgmental. It just didn’t work. It was preachy and disingenuous. So, let’s try a different tack. We’ll call it the Ted Lasso mindset. First a disclaimer: I don’t have Apple TV+ so I’ve never actually watched Ted Lasso. But I’ve read enough about the show to know this: one of the mantras of the titular character is to be “People Curious”. The antidote to being judgmental is to be genuinely curious about people—the whole person, not just the piece that you are judging. When you see someone as a whole, complex human, you can put that piece that you are judging into a broader context. Make the conscious effort to see those around you as well-rounded and unique individuals and not reduce them to stereotypes—or at least recognize that you are applying a stereotype and leave room for the thought that you might be wrong about at least that one individual.
Being “People Curious” gets at so many of the concepts I keep drilling in these essays. It’s about compassion and grace, about humility and humanity. It’s also about challenging assumptions, another of my big hot buttons. I have found that asking questions about why someone thinks they way they do has a number of benefits. First, I always find common ground. Always. We are just not as different as we are made to think we are. The differences usually come down to perspective, and two opposing truths can coexist. Second, I always learn something. That’s where humility comes in—remembering that I’m not omniscient. Finally, it diffuses anxiety (on both sides) by humanizing each other.
Look, we’re never going to stop judging others. It’s just how our brains work since making quick judgments was part of staying alive throughout most of history. The goal is to recognize when you’re doing it, question it a little bit, and give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m tired of judging and being judged. It’s just exhausting. We are all contradictions, all a mixture of good characteristics and bad characteristics. One statement you disagree with does not make the entire person bad. In the vast majority of cases, the “good” well outweighs the “bad”. I choose to focus more on the good in everyone around me and, if I need to focus on a “bad” anywhere, I save that for my own journey.
And THAT’S where I am going to stop this long, public therapy session. Time to lighten up a little! Instead of choose a word that begins with “K” to introduce my next essay, I asked ChatGPT to generate a list of random “K” nouns for me. I’m going to build my next essay around that! Stay tuned.